When a person is in trouble, and the problems in life seems unsurmountable, one should get married,............. ...................... .................... troubles will become more benign because all other problems becomes smaller ...compared with marital so and so. This was a sunday testimony from a youngman who was to get married on Monday i.e today. It brought a peal of laughter instantly. followed by a moment of silence on introspection.
When I was driving back from church in my caribbean blue colour alto, the words of that young man rankled in my mind, and I started reflecting on various marital advise I was offered.
Of particular interest was the advise given by the then Chief Secretary of Haryana, who had come as a senior guest lecturer and to interact with probationers who had just joined civil service. What he had to say was, "Young men, always keep in mind, marriage management is as difficult and important as your career management. Give equal time and importance to marriage and carrier." It was a sagely advise, and my appreciation for it grows as I grow older in my marriage and career. The trick is to balance between being a loving and caring spouse and not getting taken for granted.
Another aphorism on marriage I came across was, when I met a senior, who had just got married. On being congratulated he expressed that there wasnt much to celebrate and followed up with the quip " Khao to bhi Pachtao, nahin khao bhi to pachtao. Main ne khake hi pachtane ka faisla kiya." Loosely translated, it means that marriage is something which you repent when you do it, and also repent when you dont do. This doesnt sound very optimistic. Nevertheless marriage is not a continuous saga of bed of roses of those suhag raats, it has its roses and fragrances, but it also has its thorns and stenches. Marriage, like a plant needs continuous tending and caring,occasional dose of fertilizers and prunning are needed to keep marriage thriving and blissful.
But the particular incident which brings forth spontaneous mirth to my face, is of a incident with a very close friend of mine back at Ziro. We are three friends, who always seems to be looking for peace of mind everywhere and calling for ceasefire with our spouses after having wrongly( from other half's point of view) stepped on their toes. One particular incident which made one of us really go red with embarassment and a feeling of emptiness when our ego is pricked like that of air out of balloon, happened this way.
It was one of those moments when everything in marriage seems to go wrong, and the better half is in full battle gear ready to defend her sphere of influence within the marital kingdom, and any overtures for ceasefire seems to bounce back with increased intensity of hostility. Every attempt on the part of husband to bring some peace seems to be adding fuel to the fire. Man, he was in his most desperate momemts. Then like a streak of light beyond the dark cloud, wife speaks to him in the most gentle words. " ............ from whatever is happening in our marriage, I have come of the opinion that I must get married to you even in our next birth." My friends faced suddenly became brighter with anticipated pride , chest instantaneously expanded with ego being pumped up. Atleast, he thought so. ....... In the same tone, wife continued, " ... next birth .. yes, next birth, when we are married, I will be husband and you shall be my wife. I shall come with same attitude as you have of me now. Only then shall we appreciate each others travail." With this simple word , whatever pride my friend had built up in his own right throughout the life went out with a puff, like a wind out of balloon.
This is a true incident which has happened within a very close circle of friends. For modesty's sake, I shall refrain from taking his name.
Marriage needs empathy more than sympathy. Learning to look at things from other half's perspective certainly helps in appreciating each other, by accepting each other's differences. We are individuals with our own sense of biases and opinions, characters imbibed through our environment and family and also by our genetical make up. Each of us needs sufficient personal space to maneouvre our emotions and moods, our aspirations and desires, our hopes and despair. Very often than not, we fail to look at things from our spouse's perspective, and also from accepting the fact that there is a difference of perspective and it is better to respect each others perspective rather than prevail our opinion on our hapless otherhalf.
These are little thoughts about marriage, which I felt might help us to have a healthier marriage life. By no stretct of imagination, I can vouch I have perfect marriage. Far far far from it. But knowing the facts about marriage, helps me untanlge occasional misunderstading that crops up in our marriage, it helps see the thorns and ditches, and to be prepared for eventuality if it cannot be avoided.
Like death, marriage is made made in heaven. No one knows when where and how it will happen till it happens. But how we live our marriage is in our hand and attitude.
